


Yes, Virginia, There Is A Jerkules

by MilToro



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F, Skits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-12
Updated: 2009-07-12
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:39:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilToro/pseuds/MilToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you're wondering what the heck happened to Xena and Gabrielle this 5th season....well, this XWP writers meeting pretty much explains it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yes, Virginia, There Is A Jerkules

A few popular syndicated TV show writers were harmed during the making of this teleplay, but more importantly, a certain well known Chakram has been lost forever to the Greater Good of Merchandising.

**XWP Writers Meeting:**

**Time:** 10.00am PST

**Place:** Renaissance Pictures Offices, Studio City California

**Subject:** Creative Possibilities of Writing Lucy Lawless' Unexpectant Real Life Pregnancy into The Xena: Warrior Princess TV Series

**Attendees:** Rob Tapert, Chris Manheim, Orci &amp; Kurtzman, Jeff Vlaming, Greg Ostrin

Chris Manheim, Orci &amp; Kurtzman, Jeff Vlaming, Gregg Ostrin, enter the meeting room. At the head of the boardroom table is Executive Producer Rob Tapert, slumped over a pile of scattered papers. He's fast asleep.

Orci: Wake up Rob!

Kurtzman: Time for the meeting.

Rob Tapert: [groggily] Huh? huh? What day is it?

Chris Manhein: Monday.

RT: In New Zealand?

Jeff Vlaming: L.A. Rob.

RT: Oh yeah, yeah. [he shuffles his papers] I knew that! Okay, the first episode, Fallen Angel is already done. And Steve left three scripts, Them Bones, Them Bones, Succession and Back in the Bottle. So we just have to fill in the rest until Lucy has the baby. So what did you guys come up with?

CM: Well, I think we should have Renee take up the slack. We could finally do Gabrielle's backstory.

RT: We can't do that right now.

CM: Why not? It's the perfect opportunity.

O: Come on, Chris. You know sidekicks don't have backstories. We never did one for Iolaus.

CM: Xena is _not_ Hercules.

RT: I'm sorry, Chris. We just can't do it. I have my reasons. Anybody else?

CM: But---

JV: I got an idea. When Xena comes back from the dead, she won't have any memory of being a warrior. This way Lucy won't have to fight.

CM: [kicks JV under the table and whispers] Hey! That was my idea!

RT: Yeah, Jeff, that's a good idea. What else? [Rob's eyes are bloodshot and glazed, he yawns].

O: What if Xena's memories are tied to the Chakram and she has to go to the Chakram Temple to get them back. And there's a priest who guards the Chakram and stuff.

CM: [sarcastically] Well, that's original.

K: Hey, that's a great idea! We can make a new Chakram, the Dark Chakram and the Light Chakram and when they merge, we get a new Chakram, sort of like yin and yang!

O: Way cool, man! [high fives Kurtzman]

CM: Wait a minute! You want to change the Chakram? Won't there be enough changes on this show this year?

K: Oh, come on, Chris, people love new changes. Besides, think of all the marketing possibilities.

CM: But the Chakram is sacred!!! Rob! Are you listening to this?

RT: [startled and wakes up] Huh? Chakram? Looks great. ZZZZZZZZZZZ

CM: Oh, jeez.... Let's just move along. I got this idea about how Xena tells Gabrielle that she's pregnant. It'll be night-time and they're sitting around the campfire and---

O: Who else is there?

CM: It's just Xena and Gabrielle and Gabrielle is shocked and Xena says she doesn't know how it happened because she hasn't been with a man---

K: Waaaaait a minute. Xena can't say that! The male viewers want to think they have a chance.

O: Exactly. And Xena and Gabby can't be alone either. It'll have to be a group situation.

CM: What?!! Xena can't tell her best _friend_ she's pregnant?

K: She can, but not alone, it can't be just the two of them. We don't want people to get the wrong idea.

RT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

O: Yeah Chris, we don't want them to think that they're a couple of....you know... with a baby.

CM: It's all right to say the L-word, Mr Herc Writer. You mean _Les_bians? Oh no, we can't do that. Otherwise, it'd be like Heather Has Two Mommies and god forbid, we can't have that.

K: No, we can't have that. We don't want to offend the 2-11 year old girls.

CM: Oh, and it's better that these little girls see Borias bonking Xena on a horse and doing it doggie style under a bearskin?

O: Oh, come on, that shit goes right over those kids' heads. You know that!

CM: Speaking of heads, how about when Xena impaled a bunch of heads across China and what about getting crucified? You know those kids thought that those nails really hurt Xena and Gabrielle.

K: Well, their mothers don't write about that. Here. Look at this [he shuffles through Rob's papers and reads].

"Dear Mr Lucy, How dare you make Zena and Gabriel ---- LEZZIES!!! My 2 year old daughter wants to growed up to be just like Zena and I don't want her to be a filthy purvert. Can't you control your wife and tell here to stop touching that girl?!"

CM: [groans] Oh, for heaven's sake. He's listening to that crap?

O: Well, he doesn't want everyone to think his wife's a lesbo.

CM: [sarcastically] Too late for that.

K: So what else is going on in this ep?

O: I know! What if Xena plays matchmaker? We'll have Amarice and some other guy, Joxer and Gabby and---

CM: Wait a minute! You can't have Joxer hooking up with Gabrielle! It'll kill Xena, not to mention all our fans.

K: Hey, there's Joxer fans out there!

CM: Who told you that?

RT: ZZZZZZZZZZZ

O: Ted!

CM: [snorts] He's a legend in his own mind.

K: Rob! Did you hear what she said?!!

RT: [wakes with a start] Huh? Ted?

O: Ted. Sam's brother.

RT: Oh yeah. Ted. He's available. [falls back asleep].

CM: [groans] Yeah, but don't put him with Gabrielle.

K: All right, all right. I get it. No Joxer and Gabby.

JV: Can we move on here? I have another idea.

CM: One of yours, or one of mine?

JV: Mi-ne. How about if Xena gets Lao Ma's powers back, like in the Debt. She could blow up everything. Xena discovers dynamite.

O: Hey, that would be cool! She could wipe out a whole army!

K: [ka-boom, ka-boom]

CM: Did you guys even see the Debt? That wasn't what Lao Ma's powers were about!

JV: So? You think people are going to remember that?

CM: In a word ----- Fuck yeah!

O: Nah. They'll be distracted by the fireworks.

K: Yeah, and Lao Ma can have twin daughters, one good, one evil.

CM: Wait a minute! This doesn't sound anything like Steve's script. When did Lao Ma have these girls? Are they older or younger than Ming Tien?

O: Younger

K: Older

CM: I see. So none of this makes one bit of sense.

JV: Never mind that. The good one will be like Xena's sister.

CM: How can that be? Xena and Lao Ma were lovers. That would make Xena her mother, not her sister.

JV: They were lovers?

CM: ARGHHHH!!!! [muttering to herself]. Just one more year, just one more year, just one more year.

O: So? Who's going to remember that?

CM: I don't know. How about.... anybody who watches the show. Rob! Are you listening to this? They're going to assassinate Lao Ma's character!!!

RT: [head pops up] Huh? Lao Ma? Great....get....Jacquie....ZZZZZZZZZZZ

K: Don't worry about it, Chris. Trust me, the fans won't remember.

CM: [muttering] Just pay my mortgage, pay my mortgage, pay my mortgage.

JV: We could do a two-parter. Xena kills evil daughter in Part 1 but then she comes back from the dead. And get this. She comes back with Ming Tien. The two evil kids team up against the good kid and Xena. Good against Evil.

O&amp;K: All right! [high fives JV]

CM: Wait a minute. Ming Tien? Isn't he like...dead?

JV: So? They've brought dead people back before.

CM: Yeah, only like a gazillion times. It's way over done.

O: And your point is?

CM: [rolls her eyes] So let me get this straight. You're saying that Lao Ma, a woman with absolute purity for the greater good has not one, but TWO evil kids? That's stretching it a bit, even for a fantasy show.

K: You think anybody's going to think of that? We'll make cool costumes, all glittery and stuff and with the fireworks..... Well, people won't notice those other minor details. Come on.

CM: [sighs] Never mind. You guys do what you want to do. It's your funeral.

O&amp;K: Huh?

CM: [shakes her head] Aaannywaaaay, so what about Steve's idea of bringing back Alti. She's tries to steal Xena's baby's soul. Because Xena's pregnant, Gabrielle will have to be the one to fight Alti. The only thing we have to come up with is Alti's motivation. It would make sense if she knew who the father was and the child's destiny.

K: Wait a minute. You want Gabby to fight Alti? Come on, she's no match for Alti. Last  
time Alti wiped the ground with her sorry butt.

CM: So? Maybe she's gotten stronger since then.

O: No, we can't have Gabby be the hero. Don't you know, Xena's _always_ the hero.

CM: You mean, like Hercules?

K: Exactly.

CM: Oy vey!

O: Anyway, here's my idea. First of all, we'll have to scrap that Amarice stuff since Jennifer got that Cleo gig.

CM: What's that got to do with it?

K: She'll have to do those three extra episodes and it'll conflict with Cleo.

CM: So she doesn't do the three eps. We don't have to change her backstory.

O: Wait a minute, if Gabby doesn't have a back story, then how can Amarice have one? Let's just forget it.

CM: Well, Gabrielle _could_ have a back story if you guys would just listen.

K: Only Xena can have a back story, you know that. Besides, you heard Rob, no Gabby backstory.

CM: All right, all right, whatever.

O: So getting back to the Alti story. Gabby tries to fight Alti but loses after about 30 seconds. Then Xena steps in----

CM: Even if she's pregnant?

K: Hey, by the time the fight rolls around, nobody's going to remember that. Besides, she's Xena!

CM: Yeah, right. [mutters] Oh, where is Liz when I need her?

O: I know what! We can have Alti and Xena fight as skeletons! It'll be less screen time for Lucy! Rob loves that skeleton stuff, right Rob?

RT: [groggily] Huh? Skeletons? Yeah, usesshhhhh-------ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

CM: [mutters] Oh boy, more Hercules crap.

K: And we can do an Alien thing with the baby! You know, the baby will pop out of Xena's stomach like the Alien!

CM: Ewwwwww, you sure you want to do that? With 2-11 yr old girls watching?

O: Of course! That movie was the best!

CM: Okay, all right. What--ev--errrrr. So what about Alti's motivation for taking the baby's soul? Have you come up with who's the father yet? Alti should know. She has to want the soul for a reason.

K: Ummm.....

CM: What?

O: I know what. Since Alti is dead, she'll be in the spirit world and Xena and Gabby will only be able to fight her there.

CM: You didn't answer my question.

K: Yeah, that's a good idea. Then we can have Xena and Gabby drink some blood and we'll throw in some cool special effects with veins and stuff. That should cut down some more on Lucy's screen time.

O: Good idea!

CM: Um, guys... ---- who's the damn father?!

K: Well.....

CM: Come on, just spit it out!

O: Well, we don't exactly know who the father is.

CM: You don't? I thought Rob told you two to come up with a scenario.

K: Well, um.... we couldn't think of anything Rob would like.

CM: Great! That's just great! When do you suppose you'll come up with something?

O: Don't worry, Chris. We'll figure it out when we get there. We always do.

CM: That's the problem.

K: What do you mean?

CM: Nothing. You guys are on your own with that one. All right, moving right along. Any other ideas. Excuse me, any _good_ ideas?

Greg Ostrin: I got one. What if Xena's soul gets zapped into the body of a little girl by Aphrodite?

CM: Sounds good. So what happens?

GO: Okay, it starts out that the little girl is in a coma and Xena trades places with her. Then Xena can talk to her through mirrors and spoons and stuff.

CM: You mean like in the Quest?

GO: The Quest?

CM: [annoyed] It was an episode.

GO: It was? [thinks for a minute]. Oh yeah, that's right. That's the one where Xena was in Iolaus' body, right?

CM: Wrong.

GO: Help me out here, guys.

O&amp;K: AUTOLYCUS!!!

GO: Yeah. Right. Whatever. So anyway, Xena can talk to the kid through the mirrors and stuff and this way Lucy can be done with her lines in an hour. Xena will be lying down the whole ep. so she won't have to act or anything.

CM: That's not a bad idea except for the mirror shit but okay, I guess we can do it. So what's Gabrielle doing while this is going on?

JV: Does she have to do anything?

O&amp;K: [laughs]

CM: She's not off with Joxer, is she?

GO: No, I had another idea. Aphrodite's body switch is a mistake so she has to get some oil to bring Xena back.

CM: Sounds silly but go on.

GO: Gabby and Aphrodite have to find the Gemini twins, Castor and Pollax to get the oil. Get it? Castor? Oil?

O&amp;K: HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

JV: HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

K: That's hysterical!

CM: Sounds stupid if you ask me.

GO: [laughing] And then Gabby and Dite pose as twins and they wrestle in oil.

O&amp;K: HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

O: You're killing us, man!

CM: [groans]

GO: [still laughing] They pose as Norwegian twins and Castor and Pollax say "Cunning Linguists"!!!!

O&amp;K: HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

JV: HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAHAAAAA!!!

K: Oh my god!!! Unbelievable!!! We've always wanted to say that on TV!!!

CM: STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!!!! _You_ guys are the two year olds!!! I'm out of here!!! [she storms out of the meeting room]

O&amp;K: HEY ROB!!! CUNNING LINGUISTS!!!

RT: [sleepily] Huh? Cunninglin---I...like...doing that...ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Rob Tapert is in his New Zealand office. The phone rings.

RT: Thank god you called me back. Have you been watching the show? What the hell happened?

RJ Stewart: I don't know, you tell me. What is that crap anyway?

RT: Don't worry, they're fired.

RJ: Well that's good news.

RT: So you coming back man? You just have to. Chris threatened to quit if I didn't fire those guys and now I only have one writer and she can't do it all by herself. And those guys didn't do jack-shit with the baby storyline. We still don't know who the damn father is! RJ, you got to come back! I'm sure you've got some great ideas, right buddy?

RJ: Well... maybe I have a few.

RT: R.J. you hear that thump on the floor? That's my knees hitting the carpet. I'm begging you man. You got to come back! Please?

RJ: Okay, sure. Why not? What the hey. I'm done with Cleo anyway. So what happened, Rob?

RT: What do you mean?

RJ: Tell the truth. You fell asleep at the writers meeting again, didn't you?

RT: [sheepishly] Yeah.

RJ: All right, I'm on my way to save the day.


End file.
